Saturday, September 6, 2008
JOY!
I know I just posted. But My family dropped by with a gift for me. I'm just going to say this now...Sharpie Pens...I love you!. and I mean not the big think black ones but there are appeerently ones with a pen tip on the opposite end... they ink so smoothly! and they don't bleed through the paper! I'm gonna go off now in an art filled fantasmical world of sharpie inking and sketches. Ciao
Well crap on a stick
Exactly as the title reads Crap on a stick...or maybe you were looking at the brain on fire bit.
Well let's start with crap on a stick.
What I mean by that is "ah hell I can't believe... "
I always told myself that I would never be a blogger. Never. Why? because I always thought that blogging was a bit trite, and only used for attention seeking people with emotional hang ups. come to realise I have my own emotional hang ups that I can't seem to about with anybody else. Because frankly no one would listen. So I've turned to the internet. Why? Because there is nothing like snippy critism from a person a million miles away where you can't see them. meaning. what ever advice someone else offers you don't have to take cause you won't see them every day. People you see every day you feel more compelled to take there advice because qwel you see them every day and they keep asking about it.
Now to explain why my Brain in is on FIRE. It's becauseI'm a thinkerer. What does that mean. well teh same way people are tinkerers wwith odds and ends. I do the same with thoughts. It's a pleasent way to say I over think things. Alot of things. And completely off tangent things. Like my toaster couyld go out fopr what ever reason and i think about the events that could have lead up ityt and I keep thinking...and thinking...and thinking... Untill finally I'm on a completely different subbject with myself like my love life. How i got there I don't know. I'll say one thing to myself and it'll spark something else in my brain which in turn sparks something else.
It's like a train track system only my rails zig and zag and cross all over the place.
So why starta blog? I don't know. I haven't the faintest clue as to why I started one. Only if to take the thoughts from my head and put them in a sort of pensive. Yes I used a harry Potter reference. Sue me if you wish but they were very well written books.
I guess for teh most part I'll talk aboiut all the usual Jazz love, life, sex, ect.
SO let's hop right into it. I'm a 23 year old...person... Why person because in actuality I dfon't know what I am. there are days i feel like a man and some days I feel like a woman. But if you want to get techical I'm a male... at least that's what my penis has lead me to believe. Though I want to be a woman it costs so much money it practicly sends me into a panic attack thinking about it. Because i think as though I have to come up with the money tomarrrow. rather than thinking about it like i might enver have to.
Thd problem with being transgendered in anyway is you have no support anywhere except in the verysmall transgendered community and that's if you can find them. Why? Because even though we are grouped in with the Gay/Lesbian community we are hardly well received by them either. Why? because they have a completely different ...ehhh..."problem" (in quations because it's not really a problem a but it's a good way to discribe it) ...they wish to date someione of their own gender. Which is perfectly fine! While we (those of us in the T4ransgendered community) wish to BE the Opposite gender. and with that coems a whole mess of problems because if you are a mtf and you want to date women you are a sicko who just wants to get into lesbian's pants... and if you want to date guys you are a sicko because you just couldn't be happy with just being gay. And the same goes for Ftm's but in the reverse. So who do we look to? WQho is there to be our support?
I thought I had support from my family but my mother to be honest would be much much happier if I were gay. Yeah I want to be a woman and i still like women. Sorry but the male body jsut doesn't do anything for me at all. Yes yes I'm sure you are perfectly lovely with out your clothes on but I donn't want to see it. So keep your pants on...please! Now here is where it gets confusing for me. I don't find men sexual attractive. but other MtF's I DROOOL over litterally I trip over my tounge. Everything that you natrually would do to a man that makes my stomache to not so pleasent things I would do with an MtF. I know it's nuts. But I do i dream about it. feeling Her clasp hwer hands aroubnd my waist . or grip her figners in my hair... I'm gonna have to go sort myself out after this because now I'm thinking about it.
I know i can't be the only one like this. But I do sort of feel lost. I had a dream the other night that I was back in high school. and every one I knew was there. and I was jsut standing in the middle of a hall way screaming for help. "HELP HELP! I'M LOST AND CONFUSED!" and no one reached out to help me. Not because they wouldn't but because tehy couldn't for some reason I was trapped. that's how I feel every day. trapped In a body thatI hate, trapped in a semi personality that I dislike. trapped in a world I couldn't be border with.
Oh well i write some more later ciao
Well let's start with crap on a stick.
What I mean by that is "ah hell I can't believe... "
I always told myself that I would never be a blogger. Never. Why? because I always thought that blogging was a bit trite, and only used for attention seeking people with emotional hang ups. come to realise I have my own emotional hang ups that I can't seem to about with anybody else. Because frankly no one would listen. So I've turned to the internet. Why? Because there is nothing like snippy critism from a person a million miles away where you can't see them. meaning. what ever advice someone else offers you don't have to take cause you won't see them every day. People you see every day you feel more compelled to take there advice because qwel you see them every day and they keep asking about it.
Now to explain why my Brain in is on FIRE. It's becauseI'm a thinkerer. What does that mean. well teh same way people are tinkerers wwith odds and ends. I do the same with thoughts. It's a pleasent way to say I over think things. Alot of things. And completely off tangent things. Like my toaster couyld go out fopr what ever reason and i think about the events that could have lead up ityt and I keep thinking...and thinking...and thinking... Untill finally I'm on a completely different subbject with myself like my love life. How i got there I don't know. I'll say one thing to myself and it'll spark something else in my brain which in turn sparks something else.
It's like a train track system only my rails zig and zag and cross all over the place.
So why starta blog? I don't know. I haven't the faintest clue as to why I started one. Only if to take the thoughts from my head and put them in a sort of pensive. Yes I used a harry Potter reference. Sue me if you wish but they were very well written books.
I guess for teh most part I'll talk aboiut all the usual Jazz love, life, sex, ect.
SO let's hop right into it. I'm a 23 year old...person... Why person because in actuality I dfon't know what I am. there are days i feel like a man and some days I feel like a woman. But if you want to get techical I'm a male... at least that's what my penis has lead me to believe. Though I want to be a woman it costs so much money it practicly sends me into a panic attack thinking about it. Because i think as though I have to come up with the money tomarrrow. rather than thinking about it like i might enver have to.
Thd problem with being transgendered in anyway is you have no support anywhere except in the verysmall transgendered community and that's if you can find them. Why? Because even though we are grouped in with the Gay/Lesbian community we are hardly well received by them either. Why? because they have a completely different ...ehhh..."problem" (in quations because it's not really a problem a but it's a good way to discribe it) ...they wish to date someione of their own gender. Which is perfectly fine! While we (those of us in the T4ransgendered community) wish to BE the Opposite gender. and with that coems a whole mess of problems because if you are a mtf and you want to date women you are a sicko who just wants to get into lesbian's pants... and if you want to date guys you are a sicko because you just couldn't be happy with just being gay. And the same goes for Ftm's but in the reverse. So who do we look to? WQho is there to be our support?
I thought I had support from my family but my mother to be honest would be much much happier if I were gay. Yeah I want to be a woman and i still like women. Sorry but the male body jsut doesn't do anything for me at all. Yes yes I'm sure you are perfectly lovely with out your clothes on but I donn't want to see it. So keep your pants on...please! Now here is where it gets confusing for me. I don't find men sexual attractive. but other MtF's I DROOOL over litterally I trip over my tounge. Everything that you natrually would do to a man that makes my stomache to not so pleasent things I would do with an MtF. I know it's nuts. But I do i dream about it. feeling Her clasp hwer hands aroubnd my waist . or grip her figners in my hair... I'm gonna have to go sort myself out after this because now I'm thinking about it.
I know i can't be the only one like this. But I do sort of feel lost. I had a dream the other night that I was back in high school. and every one I knew was there. and I was jsut standing in the middle of a hall way screaming for help. "HELP HELP! I'M LOST AND CONFUSED!" and no one reached out to help me. Not because they wouldn't but because tehy couldn't for some reason I was trapped. that's how I feel every day. trapped In a body thatI hate, trapped in a semi personality that I dislike. trapped in a world I couldn't be border with.
Oh well i write some more later ciao
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